Vermont, Vermont, Vermont

The state where I want to be...

'Bucolic' fails to do it justice.

It came to pass: The wife, knackered from interviewing Trumpists on Pennsylvania's coal-stained ramparts, insisted on evacuating the swamp for a vacation in Bernie's magical kingdom. 

Vermont!, she said, Oh! Vermont... You'll see! 

She had made all the arrangements. My job was to point the vehicle north, drive for nine hours, and make cooing noises on arrival. Vermont it would be. If we made haste we would arrive in time for Peak Fall Foliage.

I'd heard only whispers about this northern hinterland: of deranged feral hippies churning cheese in the hills; of Jewish hobbits hurtling out of town halls waving their hands about and mumbling plans of praxis; and of magnificently bearded, plaid-clad hipsters brewing sweet nectars for the gods. 

AND IT WAS ALL TRUE.

Jesus, Bernie and Joseph! Make no mistake, Vermont tastes good! 

The Cheese

Indeed. The Cheese. It's quite scrumptious up north, and it's quite easy to see why: As one traverses the Vermontine landscape, brick red milking barns rise like temples from the verdant tableau and one is intermittently struck down by the stench of plump Jersey cows at play in the fields of the lord. 

On our very first evening, nestled next to a fire in the splendid bar of a prohibitively expensive hotel, unable to afford any actual food, we ordered the cheese plate to accompany our very fine beverages (more on that in a moment). The plate of wonder duly arrived, presenting a selection of goat, sheep and cows milk cheeses sourced from an array of artisanal vendors. Sweet Saint Bernard, it was good. 

Pretty things

What ensued was obscene: Over the course of our stay we consumed, on average, 1.25 cheese plates per day, sampled heavily at the counters of well-laden cheese mongers, and procured approximately four pounds of cheese to squirrel away in the fridge on our return home. 

The Beer

I would comfortably wager that Vermont has more brewers per capita than any other US state. Every village and hamlet appears to have at least one brewery. Even the lowliest of gas stations stocks a fine selection of local ales with attendants demonstrating encyclopedic knowledge of the merits of citra hops ("musky tropical fruits, strong citrus flavors; yet still capable of smooth floral aromas and hints of grapefruit and lime").

Next to that same blessed fireplace, in that unreasonably priced hotel, our waiter suggested a beer: "The Edward", he said, "I don't know much about beer, but that one recently won best beer in the world, or something... I think the Sip of Sunshine won it last year". Obviously, I had to try both.

There's no need for hyperbole here; these simply are among the very best beers in the world. Hill Farmstead Brewery, The Alchemist, and Lawson's Finest - to name but three local hops slingers - now routinely rank at or about the top of lists of the world's best brewers. Search for "Vermont" on any reputable list of top beers, and brewing representatives of the fourteenth state pop up with uncanny regularity.

Hill Farmstead Brewery, pioneer of unreasonably small batch beer, has now serially been ranked as the world's best brewer by RateBeer.com. This tiny brewery perched, unsurprisingly, on top of a hill on the site of an old dairy farm, attracts hundreds of obsessive acolytes, four days a week (weather permitting), to its ridiculously inefficient onsite tasting and sales operation. "Onsite" being at the apex of a number of winding unpaved roads, well outside of the village of Greensboro. 

Forgive yourself if you've not heard of this bacchanalian hotspot: cans and growlers of Hill Farmstead's offerings can only be purchased at the brewery door, with a handful of local public houses being anointed with permission to serve HFB's elixirs. 

On the day this intrepid correspondent finally alighted at the Mecca of artisanal beer (after much wrestling and arguing over navigation - even Google, it seems, doesn't reach this stretch of hills),  long lines of beer swillers extended into green pastures cradling growlers to be filled at the fountains of Valhalla. Frankly, despite the wonders of the beer itself, I find the studiousness of HFB's small batch-ery a little batshit bonkers. But I won't be complaining as I quaff my small stockpile of wonder.

People trade their children for less (and I have more).

Tips and Tricks

Fromage

Be sure to check out the selection from Jasper Hill Creamery in Greensboro. Their flagship Bayley-Hazen blue is a tour de force cows milk blue cheese. I'm also heavily partial to their washed rind Willoughby, and their cloth-bound cheddar partnership with Cabot is quite superb.

The Lazy Lady Farm presents a fine array of goats cheeses widely available throughout Vermont. I'm particularly enamored with the ash rinded "Thin Red Line", so-called due to the line of smoked paprika that lends zing to the experience. 

If it's sheep you're looking for, Woodcock Farm Cheese Company produces some spectacular results. The Summer Snow is waiting for me in our cheese drawer.

You will find an excellent selection of Vermont cheese and knowledgeable mongers at City Market Coop in downtown Burlington (2 hours of free parking is available at the large lot on the adjacent block). City Market's prices are also extremely reasonable. Their bread and beer selections are also spectacular. If you find yourself in the Mad River Valley, the MR Taste Place is worthy of your patronage, with a fine selection of cheeses and other local artisanal fare presented for tasting and sales. We purchased quite few cheeses at the Cabot Creamery (in Cabot, no less), where a wide selection of cheddar and other american favorites are available for tasting and purchase. The selection includes a number of limited edition, and special edition cheeses, including the cloth-bound collaboration with Jasper Hill. 

Breweries

I'm pleased to have found data demonstrating that my instincts are entirely correct: According to the functional alcoholics at the Brewers' Association, Vermont has more craft breweries per 100,000 legal drinkers than any other American state. Indeed, according to BA's latest proprietary information, there are a stunning 50 craft breweries in the second least populous state in the union. In Bernie's commie utopia, this would all shake down to 19.8 gallons, per year for each resident aged 21 or over. Quite spectacular!

Sadly, you and I are unlikely to find the time or liver capacity to visit all of Vermont's finest. With a nod to father time, you are encouraged to prioritize the following:

Hill Farmstead Brewery - 403 Hill Rd, Greenboro Bend, VT 

The aforementioned heaven on a hill produces some of the world's finest ales. It does so modestly, and the brewers much sought after American pale ales and IPA's are only available for sale to the public on site (one or two exceptions apply here... more on that later). Sales and tasting commence at noon through 5pm, Wednesday to Saturday. If you plan to bring your own growlers, be aware of HFB's byzantine growler policy. And be cognizant of your time: the lines were LONG when I was there. By my count there were 300 people on line to buy cans of beer, and two people were assisting them. The separate growler filling line requires taking a number (like at the deli) and waiting for it to come up... that process was demonstrably slow too.

Should you happen to find yourself in the vicinity of HFB on a non-sales day, or if the weather conspires against passable country roads, fear not: the True Value/General Store down the road in Greensboro is supplied with a selection of large format HFB beers.

The Alchemist - 100 Cottage Club Rd, Stowe, VT

Originally, The Alchemist Brewery was located in Waterbury, but this location was destroyed by flooding in the aftermath of Hurricane Irene in 2011. Fortunately for lovers of the insanely hoppy, and rightfully famous, Heady Topper, a modern brewery and tasting center has been opened in the ski town of Stowe. The building is a little soulless, and the flow of clientele is heavy but efficient. This beer quaffer was in and out, having sampled and procured their wares, in less than 20 minutes. Onsite tasting and sales commence at 11am through 7pm, Tuesday through Saturday. I'm afraid I did not do due diligence on the growler front, but did not see any growler related activity at the Stowe facility.

The Alchemist's beers have a larger retail footprint compared to HFB, although it is common to see signs at the entry to stores indicating that they are out of Heady Topper.